It can be fall now, please (Q2 2018 Round-Up)

Long-time readers may be aware of my dislike of the summer, and the Fourth of July in particular. This year is more difficult than most, between the state of the nation we're supposed to be celebrating and the fact that it's the 20th anniversary of Dad's passing. So, naturally, I've decided to distract myself with a round-up post.

Q2 2018 round-up:

Words written YTD: 7,712 on one project (Novel Wars)

Writer-ly things accomplished: What I thought was a light-hearted fantasy novel turned into a mystery, so I'm trying to roll with it; I didn't quite make the 100 Day Challenge, but I've picked up again with Camp NaNoWriMo for July.

New books read: Some reading for the Hugos, among others. Highlights: Space Opera by Cat Valente (so good go read now now now!), All Systems Red by Martha Wells (Hugo nominee for best novella, and I need more from this world).

Old books re-read: Continuing the Discworld re-read, slowly but surely.

I also started a new job at the beginning of April, which is leading to a fair amount of self-reflection, questioning my own abilities and skills, and wondering just how rare it is to have some kind of consistent data management in a small organization because seriously, people. They seem to like me there, though, so that's always a plus.

And now, back to the writing and avoiding the sounds of the fireworks going off in the neighborhood. Happy summer, all in the northern hemisphere (and happy winter to our neighbors in the south).

Fighting to breathe

The last few days have been ridiculously hard emotionally. There have been a couple of high-profile deaths by suicide, both of which felt like they came out of nowhere. It's led to a lot of discussion online about resources for people who may be fighting with depression, telling people to reach out when they are in trouble, etc. and so forth - the conversation that usually sprouts up when depression makes news.

The fact that a CDC report indicates that suicide rates have increased over the last fifteen years or so makes it seem like the normal conversation isn't doing the job. History has shown that after the initial few days of concern, things fade away until the next time. The problem, of course, is for those of us for whom the next time might be the last time.

I've made no secret of the fact that I've fought with depression in the past, and I've had to work through suicidal thoughts. I had thought before that I had battled the beast and because I was still standing, that meant I won. I had hope that it would be something I could say that I had defeated, that I would reach a point where, when those thoughts came back, it wouldn't be a long and draining fight. I could simply handle the issue calmly and rationally and go about my life.

Now? Now it's clear that this is a fight I don't get to win. It's a fight I'll have to battle every single day for the rest of my life, and at some point, I will most likely lose that fight. Someday, the idea that the world is better off without me, that I need to remove myself from the equation to make the universe make sense again, will come back with a vengeance, and I may not be strong enough to beat it back.

Something about this makes me extremely angry. My inner eight-year-old is throwing a temper tantrum, stomping and screaming about how it's not fair. It's not fair that I have to deal with this fight every day, just because...just because. Some accident of fate and brain chemistry and history and God knows what left me with a time bomb that I can't defuse - I can only delay the explosion.

It's bullshit, is what it is. I'd love to end this with some message of hope, of love, of wishing kindness upon the world, but I can't. All I can do is scream at the sky and look to tomorrow for a better game plan. There will be a tomorrow for me - my beast is, thankfully, beaten back for now. I need to take advantage of the break while I can.

*taps mic* Is this thing still on? (Q1 2018 Round-Up)

I live! It's been a heck of a ride the last few months. Let me explain...

In sum: after being out of work since November, I started a new job at the beginning of April. I managed to avoid going completely off the deep end, but it was a near thing. New job is almost the polar opposite of the old job, but it's a nice change of pace. It's given me a chance to focus on writing again. I managed to win Camp Nano this April, and I'm doing pretty well with the 100 Day Project thus far. (My Instagram is primarily pictures of my writing and pictures of my cats, if you're interested.)

So! Q1 2018 round-up:

Words written YTD: 10,684 on two projects (Intermezzo (new project for Camp Nano) and Novel Wars)

Writer-ly things accomplished: Won Camp Nano for the first time in a couple of years, managed to write every day since the beginning of April; jumped back to an old project with fresh eyes

New books read: An assortment of non-fiction books and magazines, with a few graphic novels thrown in for fun.

Old books re-read: Continuing the Discworld re-read.

I haven't read nearly as many books as I normally have by this point in the year, but I'm hoping to change that. It's taken some time to get myself back in the habit of being active every day. More importantly, I'm feeling more like myself, finally.